Showing posts with label skitzophrenia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label skitzophrenia. Show all posts

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Gift of a Maori cloak for the new principal at our daughter's school. (They asked me to signwrite the words. Unfortunately I forgot to take a picture of that)


And a tshirt I made Catherine's aunty from one of her old ones and screen printed a little Samoan design onto it.




And I've always been convinced that God healed me of Schitzophrenia in 2008, but I'm still on the medication, so it's not really much of a testimoney is it? ("It's the meds keeping you sane, not God!!!").
So I'm slowly coming off them. From 7.5 mls down to 5 now, and slowly down. And if you think it's risky,1. I'm going off them slowly for that reason and 2. When you know youre well, well, you just know. 7 years on the same meds and still as sick as hell. God comes into my li fe and BAM! I never felt like this during that time. Meds make some difference but they don't heal you. So time to put my money where my mouth is... I'll let you know how it goes. (Another 6 months and I'll be off them completely).

Monday, November 11, 2013

Friendship


The wood's finally done! My neighbour just popped his head over the fence again, I offered him the wood I couldn't split, he came over and we both chucked it over to his side.
One of the best things about that though, is for the last, say 13 years I've been scared to death of my neighbours. After having my mental illmess I pretty much holed myself up and avoided everyone in the "real world". I guess it's quite sad, coz he's a big friendly Maori man who's knew my parents before I came along in 1978 and I used to play with their kids back in the eighties. Back then when dog regulations weren't so strict and we didn't have fences, our properties were all kinda open and we used to all play at each others houses.


It's been like that for a while though, even last year when I moved into my new flat across the road, I'd kinda run from the door into my car, or walk hurridly past the neighbouring flats windows.
2013 has been a bit different.
Im less scared this year. Earlier this year I went to the neighbours church for a while and that helped alot.
I've also developed a couple of new friendships which has been out of this world. I'm still abit on edge sometimes, like I'm totally gonna hurt someone by being insensitive or being too scared or jaded to be there at a time they really need me. Or am I just over thinking this? There's no real formula to it I spose, and overthinking it is just gonna kill it. Sometimes I just have to turn off my brain in certain situations coz it does more harm than good. 





Thursday, December 27, 2012

Mary K Baxter saw Hell Part 1 of 6

Well I watched all 6 parts to this and totally ended freaking myself out. Especially when she said she saw people in Hell who had unforgiveness in their hearts.... there was someone in particular I had to forgive. Man, but I just lay in bed last night feeling like I was losing my mind... and it's scary, because I spent 6 or so years mentally unwell, so I just lay there trying to plan what I would do if it happened. What I would say to my new boss, who I would send Catherine to making sure I did it all early before I got to sick to do anything like last time. And having flash backs of the last time. I remember it all well, which surprises some people. You know what? I just can't help wanting to die... but not in a suicidal way. And I'm doing mental gymnastics trying to get my brain to think the way everybody elses does. Like how time seems to come AT them, and they totally DO NOT want to die. Like they want to live to 90. Well,  I was like lying in bed this morning trying to be normal and failing, then finally after like hours in incapacitation, lying there confused, I finally picked up my bible and read what was there. It was Corinthians and it was telling people about the afterlife, about how we get new bodies, how our old bodies die in weakness but our new ones are raised in strength and man, I was so relieved. They were talking about dying like it was something THEY were looking forward to. AND I CANT WAIT TO GO. In a good way. Glad I've got my blog. Cant talk about this in everyday life. And it's not that i' m gonna go kill myself! Just look forward to seeing Jesus and my Dad again. Get out of this stink hole full of evil people who rape and kill... or even just use their words to destroy. So looking forward to heaven, can't wait, can't wait, can't wait.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

hey.



Hello blog-land. I havnt really anything to blog about lately. I've lost my camera somewhere too.


I have had some woe-is-me days, but refrained from jumping onto my blog and once again telling everyone how dumb my life seems.

I'm also knitting socks and I've been really hanging out to finish them and blog about them. Boy, what an exciting existence huh? I've also been thinking about life (as usual, I'm way too contemplative ).. and my news years resolution, which was to enjoy this year, because I blinked and 2010 disapeared. Also, for a couple of years I only took photos for my blog, which was way unhealthy, so I've been trying to make friends, but I have this thing, (it's like a residue from my mental illness days) where I just get the feeling people hate me, or just don't like me very much. Even with my closest friends I can leave feeling like I've p***ed them off somehow. I went to a dinner party, and it went well... I didn't talk much, but I still left feeling like "well they think I'm a bit of a dork".. and then my friend tells me the next day they enjoyed having me there and would like to hang out again and have a crafty-get -together. Hard to get my head around the fact that what goes on in my head is different from what's actually happening around me.


Photo: Catherine when she was younger.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

new blog...

Well, I mentioned a while ago I wanted to start a wordpress blog because I can upload pdf sewing files to it.Well, I did it! It's called Little by Little and here it is. It's basically going to be patterns only, and it's called little by little, because I will add to it slowly. No whining on this blog. This is one I can put my name to. I think my friends from church read my old blog, they didn't say anything, but I'm pretty sure they looked at it when I was whining about my life having
no point apart from the one piece of joy in my life at the time, which was having a fridge in the garage. Slightly embarrassing to think of it now. But I will keep this blog going. This is like a dairy to me, where I air my naturally pessimistic outlook, or in other words, whinging (winjing? how do you spell that word?) and also rant on about spiritual issues in a way that would embarrass my christian friends... and myself if I hadn't already spent 7 years in society as a mad woman... but there I go again!! see... that's what your there for bloggy.

Friday, June 11, 2010

some thoughts

I told a friend I had gone through a really hard time, and she said to me..."well, God only gives what He knows you can handle". My reply was, "well, if not killing yourself is handling it then I guess I did!". My reply now would be, that's totally not biblical!! In the bible it says that God sometimes uses the thing we are scared of the most to discipline us. (sorry I don't have the verses on hand). That would make sense, because I remember making deals with God on my bed, that he was allowed to chop off my legs, let me go blind, let me go deaf, but sorry... He was not allowed to take my sanity... and that's the very thing He took! And allowing things we can "handle" is not biblical either. He brings us to the point where we can't handle it, so we have no choice but to rely on Him..... I'll have to get those verses, coz it's an interesting study... which I've NEVER heard preached in church, but I know I found it out in my own bible studies.... maybe that's my job for today... we'll see.

I've found the verses! here they are:
"I will hand you over to those who seek your life, those you fear..." Jeremiah 22.25
"... so I also will choose harsh tratment for them and will bring on them what htey dread" Isaiah 66.4

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Faith


When I was so sick I was hallucinating I lost my faith. For a short while I felt like I was in a jungle of animalistic people, that the law of the jungle reigned and evolution was proved true because "dog" was "God" spelt backwards.( I know you don't have to be insane to believe in evolution, but you do on that line of reasoning!!!)
Once I was stabalised and on medication, I recovered my faith, but was furious at God. "What if I'd DIED during my hallucinations?" I thought "I would have sunk straight to hell!" As if it all depended on my ability to muster up "faith". Little did I understand then that God has it all under control. Yes "We are justified through faith" (Romans 5:1) but it is God himself who imparts the faith in the first place! As it says in Romans 3:12 "Measure yourselves according to the faith God has GIVEN you".
And as my friend Dr John says, have faith in God, not faith in faith!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

wow. 16 days without facebook. And a year without a cellphone for that matter. Did you know you can actually hear birds singing in Papatoetoe? and dogs barking too. I usually travel to my bach to get solitutude and peace... but I think it's all in my head. When my dad was around I can remember lounging in the sun feeling like the world was a safe place. Did Auckland turn into a vile hell hole in ten years? nope. It's just my perception of it now. You know I actually lay in the sun on a big bale of cut grass today and SUNBATHED... for around 20 mins.. and tried to remember the last time I did that. (Would have been pre 2001 I know that ). I think I'm gonna have to make some serious new year resolutions this year end. Mostly about trust, and enjoying life.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Sometimes we do struggle...

Here's another song I wrote. We practice it in our little church band. Don't know if we'll ever end up performing it though. Maybe not "worshipful" enough. Well, I did write it right after a harrowing 7 years. I'm alot more optimistic now.

SONG LYRICS

IT'S AN EASY CHOICE - (Tune: Little fishies on a dishy)

Vs 1.
Sometimes we do struggle,

sometimes we do fall
Sometimes we do wonder “What's behind it all?”
We’re all learning lessons,
sometimes it seems tough
But our bible tells us God has grace enough

Chorus

Listening to his spirit,

following his ways
Helps us through the trouble,
gets us through the days
Walking in his footsteps,
following his voice
A comfort when we need it,
it’s an easy choice

Vs. 2

Learning lessons is the hardest part of life

Wishing we could skip the sorrow, grief and strife.
Looking downwards we see madness everywhere
Looking upwards drives away all the despair

Chorus

Vs. 3
Sometimes we go the long way,

always looking back
But we should know that there’s a far more simpler track
Forget what is behind you,
always moving on
Make Jesus the foundation you build your life on.

Chorus

Friday, September 4, 2009

Sunny side!

Ok... I probably shouldn't 'vent' on my blog (see previous post). I know what my problem is. I carry around the next 14 years on my back. I know youre not supposed to do that. God gives grace for each day as it comes. Putting that into practice is the hard part. You know ... it's a beautiful sunny day right now.. and it IS peaceful.
The old guys had it right. Here's some lyrics from an old song I like to sing sometimes:

There's a dark and a troubled side to life
There's a bright and a sunny side too
THough we meet with the darkness and strife
The sunny side we also may view

Keep on the sunny side, Always on the sunny side
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us every day
It will brighten all the way
If we keep on the sunny side of life

The storm and its fury break today
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear
Clouds and storms will in time pass away
The sun agian will shine bright and clear.


Theres also a bible verse that I feel is for me:
"Weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning"
God must shake His head at me sometimes. How quickly I forget. 7 years of schizophrenia and I complain about this??

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Letter to the system

To the Mental Health professionals

After having a recent discussion with a friend over my experiences with Schizphrenia and the mental health system in New Zealand, she encouraged me to share it with people involved in the system, as a person who has had the illness and can now look back with a clear mind.
Some things I would like to point out.

No one ever really took the time to explain the basics of Schizphrenia and how medication can help. The term “chemical imballance” is way too vague and explains little. If the time was taken to explain in laymens terms – that there is a chemical which occurs naturally in the brain called Dopamine which, when there is too much of it, distorts your vision and perception. That the brain is made of neurons which connect in response to different memories and sensations and can misconnect and that the medication restores all this (by suppressing the dopamine). That the medication doesn't alter the natural balance of the brain, instead it restores it to what it was (and that's how a pill can change your thoughts) would probably go a long way to getting people to take their medication. (I didn't take my medication regularly until a friend who was studying at University explained this to me, and even in the throws of Schitzphrenia it made so much sense that I took my medication regularly from then on, even when it didn't seem to make a difference for over 5 years).

In the end it took over five years of experimentation to me on the right kind and doseage of medication. For over five years while on medication I experienced paranoia, loss of concentration and depression, all the while being told that I was actually what they considered well now. There was a point after around five years where I breifly stopped taking my medication, because if this was “better”, then what difference did it make to take it? “Better” was horrible and my future seemed hopeless. Although I guess I have to admit my doctor must have done the best she could with the information I gave her, (so I am to blame for that myself) it was my initial education from my friend outside the mental health system that made me perservere for so long.

I'd also like to add, that tems like 'phsycosis' and 'the prodromal period' are terms I learnt on the internet. Some kind of education would have helped me, because its all a vague scarey experience until you find some of this stuff out and can put a label or explanation to some of your experiences.

A last thing I'd like to add. I'm sure there are good reasons for asking the same questions everytime, as schizphrenia has such varied symptoms, but when I went through my period of phycosis, having a wide range of different hallucinations one after another, when asked by my respite workers for the third day in a row if the television was talking to me, I went to the tv to find out if it was and sure enough it was! (In other words, the suggestion itself produced the result).

Just some thoughts.
Thanks.
Janet Dick.