Trade Experts Logo

Well. They were very good. They paid me, then asked how much it would cost to change the X because someone made a comment that it was too clipartish. So this is what I changed it to. Looks pretty good, and it seems like I'm not going to have to make anymore changes, touch wood.

Social Phobia

Of all my morbid fears and woes
A living nightmare dressed in prose
Reflectied in the face I chose
They lie in ambush as I dose.

In ceaseless discontent I lie
The past and it's sweet by and by
Holy calling, ceaseless fright
Unordered sounds all through the night.

Love a wedding? What's with that?
Hideous laughter like a tortured cat.
Thoughts abound, soon will congeal
Compacted itno a bite-sized meal.

What's the matter? Why the waiste?
Tears fall down on an aging face.
Never laughing? Never mind.
I'm rejecting my own kind.

Terror, terror, discontent
Never ending, heaven sent.

Janet Dick

(Interesting what you come up with late at night, insnt it?)

Wow! my bag!

Wow! This turned out so cool! I really didn't have my hopes up, but it turned out great!

I wanna make some more and put them in my little shop :) (For a decent price, too. It took around 2 days to make!)

NB. Here's the link to the place I got the basic idea from. A blog of free patterns based on the latest fashions! http://wkdesigner.wordpress.com/

Go google!

Stupid stupid stupid! Why have I been paying $6 an image when there are a plethora of free images on google images?? (Takes me a while sometimes). Look at some of the cool pics I got to display my decals on...

blog, blog, blog...

Well, thanks, as for "The Rules, their reasons and their consequences", they are going so great it's unbelievable. She can't read, but at once stage she pulled me over to the chart and pointed to the consequence where she gets a story for being good. And her behaviour has changed so much in such a short space of time! (And she'll go off to her room without griping, coz, you know, THAT's the consequence!)
As for other things. Now that I gave myself permission to start saving my money to eventually go flatting, a WHOLE new lot of options has opened up to me. I realised, saving that same ammount I could have enough for a deposit to BUY a little unit. Or another idea that came up, I'd have enough for 2 years of university education. (But, I think I really like the idea of having my own little place). I truely didn't think I had the right to save money for anything, because I already basically have a house, a bach and a car. But no, not really. They're Mum's. It was all those verses about 'you can't serve God and money, you will love one and hate the other"... and as my psychologist would say, a feeling of having "no entitlement". So what did I do? I spent my money each week on things that didn't make me happy.
(You've given me so much confidence about my blog, Lu, that I'm hoping I don't get long-winded and self indulgent!)
Another little thought, about knowing bible stuff. I've realised lately, that you can know about God, but there are things that can only be learnt by walking them out and walking with God. And one thing I really struggle with is the concept "it's not about me, it's about we". (Pat me on the back, I just made that up). As John, from study, mentioned tonight... it's not all about us and "personal blessings". It's about us, as a group (a church) showing God's nature to the world. So like... being part of a group? Do I get to keep my personality?
Maybe I just don't get what it really means. But if I theorise about it, I'll get no-where. I guess I just have to start "hanging out" and it will happen naturally.

The Rules: Day one!

Hey! Well, day one of the new rules has gone really well. I presented them today at 3 oclock, and became aware of a spiritual gift I may have in the mean-time (Lu, I sent you an email).
So far so good. The rules were explained, and the consequences explained, and when Catherine did something, off we went to the chart, pointed out the rule and followed through with the consequence... and another cool thing now is, Catherine knows a new word... "Consequences"! which I hope will be a concept I can drill into her over the years.

THE RULES AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES

Well, I've sat down a finally written some family rules and some consequences. I've tried it before, but because I didn't really believe in them ... they just went nowhere... so I've just picked the ones that I can actually keep to. They're quite selfish really. Stop d##m well breaking my stuff!! I rant, I rave, I smack, I boil and throw a major Mummy tantrum, and still my face cream gets squeezed down the plug hole. (Yes, that happened tonight). But since I've sat down and thought about this, when I was trying to think of the reason WHY we "Don't play with, break or loose Mummy's things", I realised that it's quite a reasonable request. When I was a kid it was just a given that we don't break our stuff, because we are a family and we work together. Somehow, that's just something I havn't managed to pass down to Catherine. (I know she's only four, but I think she's getting to the stage where she can understand some of this stuff).

Anyway. I think it's just the result of being abused by Catherines Dad all those years. His family just smashed each others things on a daily basis. They were so poor, and yet they acted like they were millionaires, coz they'd buy something new, then leave it out in the rain (literally). On the other hand, we lived off one income and were probably poorer than alot of people, but when I was a kid I trapsed off to school I went and told everyone we were rich, coz when I asked my Dad he said "We're alot better off than alot of people in the world".

It's just that thing of gratitude that I really need to regain, and pass down to Catherine.

Reply to Lu's comment :)

This was a reply to your (awsome!) comment, Lu, and it got so long I thought I better make it a post.(Comment about help with gaining bible-insight)...

Hello! Well, I was just thinking what to say, and my first thought was that any insight I have I put down to devasting life experiences so unless you want to pray for one of those... I don't know how to help! and then I thought.."how cool"... my quiet time has become so entrenched in my life I didn't even think of it. When I first started it I decided I would sacrifice the best time of my day, which was 8:00, because Catherine was in bed and I could be spending time watering the garden, so I religiously kept it at that time, and I learnt so much! And even when I really didnt want to do it, I did it. Now I'm actually at a stage where I tell myself that if I stopped it I wouldnt feel a bit guilty, but (catch 22), its through my quiet time that i learnt that everything I do in life is meaningless without God so at 8:00 I just sit myself down read my bible for an hour and pray (if I can, I'm not that good at praying) ... so that's where I started. I'm good at reading, so usually I just sit and read. You may be better at prayer, or meditation. But I guess the topic is having biblical understanding. Just find the stuff your passionate about and read that. Or... actually I don't know. What I do is put a bookmark in the old testiment, one in the new and one in the psalms and read a bit of it each night. I'm sure God will talk to you if you set up a set time to devote to it. Maybe write down a list of questions, and seek those answers... that's all I can say. And I'll keep blogging, because we all have a different bent... your insights will be different to mine and we can enlighten each other. Actually... I loved that blogg you did around Christmas time about God watching us and getting butterflies in His chest - I never would have even thought of that! I wish YOU would blogg more, because I would love to be encouraged by you !

Nathanaels 2nd birthday

Ok... I'm not really into kids and I hate parties. It's terrible to say that, I know, but it's true. (nb. I am into my kid though!!) But since I've been seeing a psychologist, and pin pointed the fact that I have a social phobia, its kinda changed my thinking a bit... actually, I don't know how I got from trying not to freak out around people to taking control of my whole life, but anyway... it's kind of my homework to go to stuff, and practice certain thought techniques. My mantra this week has been 'You don't know what they're thinking, you don't know what they're thinking'. (I tend to be very negative and assume the worst... all the time!... even with my closest friends). So anyway.. to cut a long story short, I've been invited to Nigel and Julia (Harknesses) toddlers second birthday. Actually, there's a whole chunk of the story missing. I REALLY, really, really want to move out, but decided not to be impulsive. I've been playacting at being in need and having to live to a budget, because that's what I would LOVE to do, so I playact, and imagine I need to save every penny, when really, all my bills are paid by Mum. Anyway... Mum doesnt know yet. Shell feel rejected, but I don't feel bad, because if I move out I plan to come visit pretty much everyday. (My office will still be in this room, but I'll be able to go home and have a bit of indepence.) Anyway... even if it never happens, I feel a whole lot better knowing I have the choice! Anyway. About the blocks! I've decided that if I move out, I really will have to save every single penny, so I decided to make Nathaneals present, and also try and understand "occasions", and make Catherine a party dress out of material I already have... and it feels like my life has purpose, coz I'm not playacting! I need to save, and I can justify spending time making stuff instead of buying it because I really will need to... and do need to if I have to save in order to move out. Yay!

(ok. I just read that. I know my life has a purpose. The trouble is, I don't know what it is really, and would like to know!)

fine now

Ok. I'm ok now. I melt down reguarly... I'm starting to see the pattern... it's when I feel trapped.
Anyways. I'm fine.

the VOID

I'm having another meltdown. I'm so discontent. I'm so unhappy. We're not spose to complain but that's how I feel. I want to move out, but wonder if God will provide for me to persue selfish ends when I should be looking after my Mum. But if I'm literally counting off the years till I die, then maybe that says something.
I just feel like my life is utterly pointless. No meaning. VOID.

PART THREE : OUR PASSIONATE GOD!

Personally, I beleive that the more you read the Old Testemant, the more you understand what a passionate God we serve. Until we read, read and re-read it, do we understand how much God LOVED His people, how much they provoked Him, and how he felt when the rejected Him, and how after all that, even though they forced His hand (so to speak) how true it is that He is slow to anger and abounding in love, because even then, He disciplined them for their own good, and to ultimately to bring them back to Him.
The Old Testement is full of amazing prophesies, which we can apply to our lives... passionate verses, like in Jerimiah, where God pours out His heart, angry that the people He loves are rejecting Him, when the way He feels about them (us) is like a husband to a wife, or a father to a child.
Also, there's examples of how God would have us be honest with Him... honest about our anger and feelings of injustice (Psalms... Job), feelings of complete dissolutionment with life (Ecclesiasties) and of course, feelings of joy, wonder and praise. They whole human experience in one book. And so much more.
To me, when understood in the light of Jesus, I would summerise the Old Testiment as God pouring His heart out to man, and man pouring his heart out to God .

PART TWO: THE LAW

You've probably heard this all before, so I'll just touch on a few things.
No. 1. In the Old AND New Testiment, the Law is refered to as GOOD.
Jesus himself said “I have not come to abolish the Law, but to fulfil it.”
The Law is good... we are bad... we need Jesus to live up to the Law... but living up to Law is not God's number one priority anyway. He wants relationship...
I won't quote the book of Romans, but it has 12 cor so chapters of detailed explanation all about the relationship between the Law, Sin and Forgiveness...
Anyway – God's number one priority is relationships. Relationship with Him, relationship with others.
To quote Jesus , To love God with all your heart, and love your neighbour as yourself, that is to obey the whole Law.
Also, a lot of what's in the Old Testiment is actually explained by the New, and often the “weird” Old Testiment bits have “spiritual” meanings for us today. As a quick example...Moses strikes a rock and water gushes out. This is explained in Hebrews as “for they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them: and that Rock was Christ.” 1 Cor 10.4
Well, enough of that. Now the bit that excites me.

PART ONE: To Disregard, or not?

Old Covenant and New Covenant. Old Testiment, then the New.
Before Jesus came into the world, people lived under the “Law”. Jesus died for us on the cross, and for those of us who now accept it, we live under “Grace”.
So what does that mean? Are we to disregaurd the Old Testement completely?
Would we disregard this O.T verse...”For I know the plans I have for you' says the Lord 'Plans to make you prosper, not harm you, plans to give you a hope and future” (Jer 29.11)?
Then why do we disreguard this one “ I will send the sword, famine and plague against them (His people) and I will make them like poor figs that are so bad they cannot be eaten”.?
I think we tend to read the “happy” verses as the God we know and love of the New Testement, and the “Grumpy” verses, as that mean-old bad-old God of the Old Testement... the Law.
I will tell you why I don't think this is so...

Ok - my ego has arrived!

Ok Lu (and random strangers). That's the second time you've tried to explain about New covenant Old Covent stuff, and now my big-old "I-know-stuff!"-old ego has reared its ugly head and I just spent.. 2 hours writing an essay on ... it. Although, not just to show "what I know", I hope you will also be encouraged by what I have to say.
It's so long, I'm breaking it into 3 easy pieces!
Blessings!

My life through the lense of the bible

Wow. I spelt physcology wrong 3 times in that last post. Oh well. I have something new to write about which I will copy straight from my diary:
I have a passage marked and outlined in red in my bible - dated 13 Nov 2001. It's from Isaiah 50, and it says "But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall recieve from my hand: you will lie down in torment".
Interestingly enough - that's the last verse I read before I lost my mind and for 7 years - was in torment. Whether that was from God,or just the result of twisted thinking, I don't know - but that's what happened anyway.
Tonight I have just dated another verse 4 chapters later. I'm not really that great at knowing when the Holy Spirit is speaking to me (because often I will rationalise it as a "fluke") but I was just thinking to myself, that it seemed as if during my illness that God totally ditched me. Then I looked down at my bible and it said "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment , but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you" says the Lord your Redeemer". I don't know if that's what happened - but it fits in exactly to my life experience from my viewpoint.
It was actually you (Luarna... my one "blog follower" haha) who said to me "Don't marry Nigel, he doesn't love you". What I really wanted to hear were the words "Don't marry Nigel. God doesn't want you to". But I thougth that that was the closest thing I was going to get from anyone, and your life being bang-on with God, I took it as the word of God, and that was my first step of obedience and BAM! God was back in my life. Yeah - that verse REALLY describes my experience.

Me in a nutshell

Man. I thought this was going to be done in a day and I was going to give a discount.. but they keep changing there mind, so I'm gonna charge the full price. This is actually the only work I've done all day. First I went to see a pschologist (more later), and then I decided to go get a haircut... then this only took like 20 mins, i suppose. Lucky for some, huh?

I'm learning alot of interesting things about m yself from the pschologist. She does such alot in such a small ammount of time! Week one, she said I had a social phobia, which I didnt know I had... week two we just talked about me and my background... and today she put it all into graph form and pretty much summerised how things all lead up to this point.

Basically - I was naturally introverted as a child, and possibly genetically disposed to being shy (my Dad was a bit shy), I was an only child... I never had the opportunity to do much "unstructured" play (I had a very structured upbringing), and always had a bit of a sense that I was different from others (maybe having a mum with an illness). THEN, the stresses in my life... my Dad passing away and then going flatting... the sense of having structure totally went out the door and an increase in social demands of getting older and then finally the mental illness which increase my feeling of being "different" .

THEN... An example of a trigger situation would be dropping Catherine off to kindy... triggers off all these internal beliefs I have developed ("I'm different, I'm weird, I'm not a good Mum, I'm not maternal...) then I become really self aware and "inward" and that makes me use "safety behaviors".. like looking away, avoiding getting there at times when everybody else is there, which means I avoid s ituations which means I think I can't do it, which spirals into a self fulfilling thing.

Well, that's me in a nut shell!!.. Next week, is dealing w ith some of the ingrained beleifs i have and coping mechanisms I have.

Can you believe thats' only 3 one hour long sessions?

logo

Ok, well that was a quick response! He told me exactly what changes he wants, and this is the result.

Logo for new website

Well, I said I was giving up my business, but the works been trickling in. I'm learning to do the work and still enjoy my life.

Here's what I did today. They want a logo for a directory website for tradesmen, and they thought the x could be a chisel and hammer, so here's what I've sent them to get the initial feedback. (The second one is my favourite).

My bodice and dream jacket

Ok, two bloggs in one day. Is that too much? It's all those bloggs I read today... there's so much I want to add! Well, I'm too impatient to wait till I've perfected my bodice 'sloper", so here it is. I thought it was done, but looking at the photo it seems to pull at the sleeve. Also, here is the motivation for perfecting this darn bodice... the jacket I REALLY wan't to draft and make...

Designs for the Mangere Baptist church Sign

Well, guess what I spent today doing? Yes. Reading bloggs! (not all day, but I did get a bit sidetracked ). And it seems people regularly show off there stuff, sometimes on a daily basis. (I don't notice anyone complaining the way I do though). Well, it was fun, and made me realise I have more I can add to my blog. Like today. Numbler one, I drafted a sleeve for my bodice "sloper", and I did these drafts of signs for the Baptist church that I go to bible study with. I think I've been watching too much "Jesus is a friend of mine" videos on You Tube. That's another link I'll have to post coz it's hillarious! What was I saying? Oh yeah, these sign designs are probably a bit too groovy man, so I'll do some more serious designs tomorrow.