Monday, December 22, 2008


Just thinking during my quiet time tonight: I'm so terrible with people and I don't know why. I think it's because loving people like I'm supposed to would just be too painful. Loving a person who isn't Christain would be so hard looking at them and knowing they were going to hell. And then I realised: God has that pain everyday, so why should I escape that burden? Maybe having a love for people would make me a tool in Gods's hands and maybe I might actually save a few people from damnation (like duh!)
I personally have a strong belief in predestination - but I have to remember - I'm not God! I don't know what people's ultimate destiny is so it's up to me to love people regardless. But that's so far away! It's hard to do that when you're just so ready to go party it up in heaven...
which leads me to another point:
Going through 7 years of schizophrenia was just like having my innards ripped out and starting again. But that's just God's way of turning me into an empty vestle. Life was a total nightmare and the desire to leave Earth hasn't really left me - but I know, now that I'm not clinging to anything down here - God will heal, restore and bring me to a place where I can be used by Him and I can find purpose in life, my real purpose... HIS PURPOSE.

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