Thursday, May 27, 2010

Book - Faith in the Night Seasons

I am re-reading a book called "Faith in the Night Seasons" by Nancy Missler which answered alot of questions for me. Now I have had my own night season, and sorry to keep repeating myself , but 7 years of Schitzophrenia is a BIG DEAL.
This book says that every christian will go through a time of darkness, and it's God's way of stripping us of EVERYTHIOG we cling to, and replacing it with himself. Quote:" If we can only remember that the Holy Spirit has lead us to this place ON PURPOSE. He desires not only to replace us with himself, but also make us holy so we can fellowship and commune with himself" It's funny, but I read this book just before it happened but still I fought against it. I argued, I tested, , I blasphemed... I told God "Kill me NOW... I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning" Probably why it took me so long to get through it. It finally brought me to a place of honesty with God " I can't cope... I'm tempted!"
Apparently these are some of the questions we are not supposed to ask:
"Why is this happening to me?"
"Is God angry with me?"
"How could a loving Father ever od this to HIs child?"
"WHat did I do to deserve it?"
"Doesn't He even care?"
"Why has He forsaken me?"
"What am I doing wrong?"
"Why did He geve me so much light and then turn it off?"
"Why has He broken His promises to me?"
"How can I ever trust Him again?"
"Why has He made Himself out to be my enemy?"

I kinda don't agree 1. because sometimes I still ask some of those and 2. because they are genuine questions! Altough is does say, if you do, you will spiral downwards into despair, which is what did happen. But also because this book has answered some of those.
The bible says we are like GOLD. And how do you purify gold? By putting it in intense heat. The fire, until it comes to the point where no more fire is needed because all the dross has been removed and the remaing impurities will just brush off. I like that. I've wondered why God decided to release me from it all, and that must be why. You know the hardest thing for me to believe? That God has a good plan for me. I think I thought of him as a big meany, and I hurt my daughter as a resulf. But the bible says that God does not WILLINGLY afflict His children... he disciplines in love.
I told her last night that I was sorry for hurting her and big tears welled up in her eyes. I think she holds alot of pain because of the rage I've had. And I think its because I thought that God took pleasure in hurting me, so I passed it on to her. I hope that God will help me be kind to her and remember He does everything in love and with constraint.

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